Wacky Antics to Amuse and Annoy Your Friends and Helpful Tips You Can Really Use
Men, make sure your sports jacket is long enough to cover the pee spot on your pants.
Instead of discarding your ear wax, save it. When you have enough, you can use it to make candles to provide heat and light. And just think of all the money you'll save on those costly refrigerator magnet bills.
If you like to shop early for Christmas, don't give gifts of milk or hamsters.
Fat-free muffins taste a lot better if you put gobs of butter on them.
When you go to get your drivers license renewed, get drunk before they take your picture. That way, when a cop pulls you over and looks at the picture on your license he'll say, "Yeah, you look fine," and let you go.
If possible, try to train your dog to poop right on the shovel. It makes clean up a lot easier.
Make a videotape of a Jeopardy episode. Then, when someone you want to impress is visiting, pretend to go turn on the TV at Jeopardy time, but really play the tape. Imagine how smart you'll look when you don't miss even one answer in the Indonesian History category.
This works anywhere where you need to take a number for service (deli, optician, bakery). When you first get there and take your number, sneakily grab a few more. Then wander around a little and nonchalantly go grab five to ten more numbers. Do this as many times as you can without getting caught. Then, when people come in and take a number, their number will be 30 or 40 away. When your first number gets close, pretend that you have to leave and offer to sell your number to the highest bidder.
Go into a dollar store and walk up to the cashier numerous times and ask: "How much is this?" "It's a dollar." "Oh." Then put it back. Ask how much if you buy two.
Go into the dressing room at a department store and yell real loud, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here.!"
Hide inside a clothes rack at the department store and when people are browsing through whisper, "Pick me...pick me."
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Here's a great way to save money on your holiday lighting.