From Comedian Gary Thison's
Blog.
Click here to
visit his entire blog.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Detroit Mayor Kwame Klipatrick Song, WNBA
fights
[The views and
opinions expressed by Gary Thison are not even necessarily those of Gary
Thison. Sometimes he just spews shit before he thinks about it.]
So, the other day I went to serve a subpoena on Detroit Mayor Kwame
Kilpatrick...and a WNBA game broke out.
Do you know why the fight broke out in the WNBA game? They ran out of
Midol at halftime.
But I digress, I have written a new song for Kwame to record to help
raise money for his defense. Sung to the Bob Marley classic.
"I shoved the sheriff...oh wait it was the deputy."
If you're looking for some really funny videos (no, not all mine),
click
here to visit the Click On Comedy Funny Pages.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
If you have no self respect,
here’s a great way to make easy money!
If you have no self respect, here's a great way
to make easy money! (Yes, besides doing comedy.)
I have discovered a sure-fire way to make good
money, tax free, with little or no effort, no dress-code and no
skill required. You can never be fired and you can take days off
whenever the hell you want.
Does this sound like one of those radio ads which tell you that
you can work at home and get rich on the internet? Well, it
ain't! This is real. I see it happening every day and have even
done a little research which I'll share with you, just in case
you want to take advantage of this profitable endeavor.
I've been working in downtown Detroit for the past year. I
hadn't worked downtown on a daily basis in more than 20 years.
Regardless of what you non-Detroiters think, our downtown is
pretty nice, in spite of the awful economy. But, that's another
story.
This one is about the panhandlers who work the streets down
here, and in every major city across the country. As I move
about the downtown area, there are about five or six panhandlers
whom I encounter on a regular basis. They all have their own
modus operandi or method of trying to get some money from
passersby. "Can you help a homeless guy get some lunch?" Of
course, if you give him a sandwich he becomes indignant and
throws it in the garbage.
Another guy walks around in a suit and tie,
always glancing at his cell phone. He approaches people and
tells them that his car was just towed and his wallet was in the
car. He says he's trying to get enough money to take the bus
home so he can pick up money to get his car out of the impound
lot. I fell for this one. ONCE. This guy isn't very good at
remembering faces. Every time I walk by him he approaches me and
starts his story. Every time I tell him that he already got me
with this scam. Yesterday, I just yelled "No!" He said, "Oh,
okay," and walked away. The next time he asks, I'm going to tell
him to remember my face because if he ever asks me again I'm
going to follow him around and tell everyone he approaches that
it's a flimflam operation.
Another guy simply says, "Can you help a homeless
guy out?" He's the focus of this story.
He's a
short, dirty looking, disheveled guy in raggedy clothes. One
day, while waiting for my driver to take me to my car (okay,
it's a shuttle bus), the filthy little beggar walked up to one
of the valet guys in front of one of the office buildings, said
a few words to him and walked away. I said to the valet guy, "I
wonder how much Social Security that guy gets." The valet said,
"I don't know about that, but I do know how much he makes
panhandling."
I asked him how he knew that, and he told me that
he buys the guy's quarters off of him every day. Just the
quarters, not the nickels, dimes or dollars. "Really, so how
much does he make?" I asked.
He told me that during the winter he buys about
$60 or $70 in quarters every day. During the warmer months, $120
- $130. What the fuck! Let's be conservative and say he makes an
average of $100 (including the nickels, dimes and dollars).
That's $500 per week, tax free. That's $26,000 per year, tax
free. That's bullshit. And he probably does get Social Security,
disability, welfare or some other income.
What a great job! You don't need to get dressed
up or even shower before work. You need no skills whatsoever. In
fact the more pitiful and incompetent you look the better. I've
heard reports that he does get all cleaned up from time to time
and makes a deposit in his bank account right around the corner.
When I get the opportunity, I'm going to offer
him five bucks if he will agree to an honest, quick little
interview which I'll record on my cell phone and post here.
In the
meantime, I'm going to start hanging out on the streets during
my lunch hour, lay my hat on the ground and play my harmonica.
At least with me you get a little (alleged) music for your
money. And I'm pretty sure that people will gladly pay me....to
stop playing.
Friday, June 27,
2008
Get your very own
Hilarious Talking T-Shirt
How would you like to be the first one on your block (or
perhaps the first one in your state..maybe even your
continent) to own your very own Hilarious Talking
T-Shirt? It's a piece of clothing and a comedy bit in
one.
I originally developed this shirt as a stand up comedy
bit for my act, but sold thousands of them through gift
catalogues over the years (for $20 plus shipping). Now
I'm offering them online for
only $10 andit includes shipping.
You receive a quality tee shirt, instructions and
a comedy manuscript which provides a number of
comedy ideas so that you can get big laughs any time you
wear the shirt.
For more info, or to order your very own shirt (or ten),
click here!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Whoring my web sites for yucks!
I have a
number of web sites (InteractiveLunacy.com, ClickOnComedy.com,
LaughandLearnSpeeches.com, MetroDetroit.com, MetroWebLinks.com).
What does that mean? It means I'm a whore and I'm not afraid to
beg for attention.
My comedy sites are pretty beneficial, in that they bring me
about half of the corporate and club shows that I do. But, some
of the pages on those sites are just for laughs and I'd like to
invite you to visit some (or all) of them and let me know what
you think.
I've created a new start page which isn't as cumbersome as my
main Interactive Lunacy page.
Click here to check it out. It's basically an intoduction
page with links to a few of the more popular pages that I've
created (like the "Virtual Mardi Gras - Send Me a Picture of
your Boobs, I'll Send You a Picture of Some Beads" and "Poo
Pourri - my new invention that makes farts smell like flowers).
So, please do me a favor and visit my web sites. You'll notice
that I now have comedy ads which can take you to other funny
sites. Please check them out as well.
Remember, I keep telling my family that the powdered milk is
gonna taste a lot better once daddy gets the water turned back
on.
Peace on you all.
Chives, my Virtual
Butler at the Red Bull Air Show in downtown Detroit
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Hilarious Blog - Latest observations from comedy writer
Actor Charlton Heston is dead. In his life he was a
major gun advocate and head of the National Rifle Association. He once
said that to get his gun you'd have to pry it from his dead hand. "Hey
Chuck, hand me that gun. Never mind, I'll just pry it from your dead
hand."
I'm
so confused. Who REALLY has more HD channels, Comcast or Direct TV?/span>
How
can you tell when a menstruating woman has been masturbating? You catch
her red handed. (Sorry.) I have one of those voice
recognition GPS systems in my car, where all you have to do is say where
you want to go. Sometimes they have trouble recognizing words when
you're drunk. Fortunately, I paid extra for the Slurred Word Recognition
option.
If
the economy is so bad, how come Little Caesar's still only charges five
dollars for a pizza? Were they overcharging us all those years? Was it
really only a two dollar pizza? I think Little Caesar's owes me some
money. Or a lot of pizzas.
Experts
recommend that when the economy is bad, it's good to go out and see some
live comedy and laugh. Hey idiots, if the economy is bad, they CAN'T
AFFORD TO GO OUT AND SEE LIVE COMEDY.
I'm
producing a documentary expose of pirates. It's called, "Jolly Roger and
Me".
CNBC
conducts a lot of bizarre polls during political campaigns. For
instance, they found Clinton
was ahead with bowlers and gun owners, but it was a tie with beer
drinkers. I wonder if they ever did a poll about people who don't give a
shit?
Monday, April 21, 2008 My emotional abuse by catholic church as a
child
Just
checking in with a couple of thoughts about things in the news:
The Pope came to the U.S. last week and had quite an extensive public relations
tour and press junket. Maybe they're gonna come out with a new book (that first
one has been around for over 2,000 years).
He even had an audience with three of the children (now grown) who were sexually
abused by the clergy. Even though the church was responsible (or should be) for
countless cases of sexual and emotional abuse, these three got their day in the
spotlight.
Apparently, they got to have a no-holds-barred conference with the Pontiff,
instead of the normally formal procedures you must follow at most audiences with
the Pope.
No fair!
I spent eight years at a Catholic school, went to mass six days a week (I have
fulfilled my requirement for a lifetime and have a some left over if anyone
needs them), I had a gazillion interactions with clergy on a regular basis...and
not once...NOT ONCE....DID ANYONE EVERY TRY TO MOLEST, SEDUCE OR ABUSE ME!
What??? Is something wrong with me? I was a cute kid (I know: "What happened?")
Do you know how this adversley affected my self-esteem? Do you know how much
more successful I would have been (okay, maybe successful at all) if only I were
approached with ill-intent by a church member as I child? Exactly!
So, I'm thinking that perhaps I have a lawsuit against the Catholic Church as
well.
But, I pontificate.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Random thoughts..and I mean random
I saw a commercial on TV that stated:
"Jeopardy...now in HD!" What the hell do you need Jeopardy in high def
for? I expected the broadcaster to then say, "For more information,
visit whogivesashit.com."
I’m semi-officially in a band called "The World’s Shittiest Band". Our
motto is: We Hate People. Without Them, We’re Everything! We had an
impromptu jam session last Saturday and drummer Sy Smatters (yes it
does) posed an interesting question: What is the world’s worse job? His
thought was: Assistant Crack Whore. Wow! Crack Whore is bad enough, but
assistant to a crack whore, now that’s an awful job.
I once read in Time Magazine’s science section that the average foot
excretes a half-pint of sweat every day. I always thought that the job
of measuring foot sweat would be a pretty lousy job too.
Let me know any crappy jobs you can think of.
When you shoot a snot-rocket (holding
one nostril closed and blasting the nasal contents directly to the
ground or elsewhere), you are actually helping the environment because
you aren’t wasting tissue paper.
I think that’s what Elvis was doing when he’d walk to each end of the
stage and make his little bow. And those loving fans thought that was
sweat.
Tuesday, March 11,
2008
How to piss off visitors to your MySpace page
Here are
some tips on alienating and pissing off visitors to your MySpace
page:
1)
Download every free layout that you can find and combine them
all to clutter your page so it’s almost impossible to look at.
2) Annoy people by forcing them listen to whatever crap music
you’re into. This is especially good if you also have video on
the page and your goddam music plays in the background so you
can’t even hear the audio on the video.
3) Pick a font that is the same color as the stupid background
you chose so you can’t even read the text on the page.
4) Make sure the page is really wide so you have to scroll over
to even see anything (though it’s probably not worth looking
at).
5) Move everything around so that visitors can’t locate the
common things found on every MySpace page like Add Friend.
I’m sure
there are many other annoying things that you can do to make
your MySpace page unreadable. Any suggestions?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Give a therapist a little space..
Keep this in mind: If you
give a "therapist" a little space, he becomes "the rapist". I don't know why you
should keep that in mind, but maybe you have a little room for pointless shit
like this.
Detroit is Number One in Miserable Cities
Forbes Magazine just released their Top Ten Miserable Cities to
Live In and Detroit was chosen number one. (We're number one! We're number
one!). Oh sure, that makes sense if you base it on violent crime, shitty weather
and the second highest unemployment rate in the country, but aside from
that.....
The sad thing is, Flint, Michigan came in number three. Which means that moving
from Detroit to Flint is a step up. Owwww!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Forecast: bloggy. Random thoughts.
True
story: I opened a fortune cookie and my fortune read: "Someone will recognize
your generosity." So, I gave the fortune to my daughter, "Here, I wanted you to
have this." She read it and said, "Gee, thanks. That was generous of you."
Spooky.
Stupid or insulting ads really piss me off. One that always drives me crazy, is
when you see a sign that reads something like: Up to 50% Off and MORE. Dammit,
if it's UP TO 50%, then 50% is the highest it can go. How much more? 5% more?
Then it should say: Up to 55% Off. Unless maybe the MORE is the the fact that
the sales girls are topless. I guess that would be MORE. Or they could have a
salad bar. That would be more. Especially in the tool department at Sears.
Another ad claim that drives me crazy, is when they say, "We'll beat any
deal...or it's FREE!" It's never fucking free. All they have to do is go a penny
less than the better deal.
In a perfect world, people who want to commit suicide would be the ones to
contract terminal illnesses.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Just a simple question...
I wonder who Monica
Lewinsky is voting for?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008 City Crime is Better than
Rural Crime
My wife often points out
the crime that ocurrs in and around our neighborhood. I think her main
motivation is because she just wants to move.
We live in a pretty nice, suburban Detroit city with a decent police force and
sheriff's department, but yeah, crime happens. Sometimes close to home.
The gas station which is located on the corner of our street, recently had a
vehicle crash through it's glass window in the middle of the night. The
criminals attached a chain to the ATM money machine, yanked the son-of-a-bitch
right out of the wall and fled. Crime? Yes. Scary? Not so much.
So, while researching some media sources in northern Michigan and the Upper
Penisula I ran across a news story about how, in Marquette, Michigan,
someone has placed coyote traps along a popular cross-country ski trail. Crime?
Yes. Scary? Mucho.
I'm not sure about you, but hearing a loud noise in the middle of the night and
finding out the next day that someone broke into the gas station is WAY better
than going out cross-country skiing and having to make your way back from the
wilderness by learning to slalom while leaving your other leg behind.
In this case Urban Crime is better than Rural Crime.
Amen.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Ain’t No Blood Drive Like a Dee-troit Blood Drive..okay so I’m sick
This is an actual
photograph. Okay, maybe I added a little color. } =-o
Friday, February 1, 2008 Clinton and Obama vie for
Academy Rewards
The
Democratic Presidential Debate last night took place at the Kodak Theatre in
Hollywood, which is the venue that hosts the Academy Awards.
It ocurred to me, watching Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama debate, that this may
possibly have been the most notable competition for Best Actor and Best Actress
ever.
January 31, 2008 Detroit
welcomes visitors with Snow Balls Art
Recently, Detroit hosted the North American International
Auto Show and was showcased in front of the world. Someone decided to share
Detroit's artistic abilities with this snow design I like to call Detroit
Has Balls. Hey Kwame! You're not the only big on in the city.
Do you think Detroiters are impressed with Colorado's wimpy 25 inches?
Detroit Mayor Kwame
Kilpatrick needs a little spin doctoring
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is in the middle of a scandalous controversy. It
would appear from the evidence that he is 100% guilty of lying under oath and
that he could actually do jail time for perjury. I can help him regain the
confidence of the citizens of Detroit and ultimately prove him innocent of all
charges. Ya just gotta spin it right.
Last year, in what is now known as the Whistleblowers' Trial, the mayor swore
that he and his Chief of Staff Christine Beatty DID NOT have an intimate affair.
Now, more than 14,000 text messages, some with explicit sexual references,
indicate otherwise.
So, how does a married guy who was obviously having an affair with a
then-married woman get out of a mess like this? Enter Gary Thison: Spin Doctor.
First, Kwame could explain how important it is to have the Chief of Staff in his
corner. By having hot, frequent sex with her, she would be more likely to
support his policies which will be good for the city. He can simply explain that
he was doing it for the people of Detroit. What a noble mayor.
Or perhaps an even better idea is to claim total innocence. The mayor could go
into court and visibly show that his chubby fingers could never have keyed in
that many text messages in that period of time. If the fingers are fat...you
can't do dat!
If he follows my advice, this scandal will ultimately blow over and he can get
on with business as usual. (These methods will probably not work at home.)
I heard that city officials are willing to allow him to finish his term, as long
as he agrees to be introduced as: The Dishonorable Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.
You're welcome Kwame.
For all of Comedian Gary Thison's blog
entriesClick here!
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here
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